What stage are you in now? LOL ...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Bill Gates and Hell
Bill Gates passed away and found himself in the ante-room between Heaven and Hell. The admitting Angel was surprised to see him and said there was some sort of mix-up in his file. After unsuccessfully trying to solve the mix-up, the Angel told Bill Gates that they would allow him to make his own choice as to whether he went to Heaven or Hell.
Gates was then seated in front of two computers: one labeled "Heaven" and one labeled "Hell."
The "Heaven" monitor showed streets paved in gold with many smiling people gathered in clusters singing beautiful hymns. Lovely harp music filled the air and the sky was filled with soft, puffy white clouds.
The "Hell" monitor showed a white sand beach with a sparkling blue ocean gently lapping on the shore. There were many beautiful young women in tiny bikini's strolling the beach, lying in the sand and playing volleyball and having a lot of fun.
Gates looked at both scenes for awhile and then thought to himself, "Hell really does look pretty great." He told the Angel he chose to go to Hell, and he was immediately sent down.
Quite awhile later, the admitting Angel was making his customary rounds of Heaven and Hell, checking on the daily routines. He saw Bill Gates and went over to speak to him. Gates was chained to a wall. He was dirty and thin. His body was covered in festering sores and he was groaning in great pain. The Angel said, "You know, I could not understand why you chose Hell when you could have gone to Heaven. You, of course, are suffering the consequences of Hell."
Gates looked at the Angel with tormented eyes and said, "Where are the beautiful girls? Where is the white sand beach and the sparkling blue ocean? Where is all the fun?"
The Angel said, "Oh, that. Well, you were looking at the MicroHell Screen Saver..."
Gates was then seated in front of two computers: one labeled "Heaven" and one labeled "Hell."
The "Heaven" monitor showed streets paved in gold with many smiling people gathered in clusters singing beautiful hymns. Lovely harp music filled the air and the sky was filled with soft, puffy white clouds.
The "Hell" monitor showed a white sand beach with a sparkling blue ocean gently lapping on the shore. There were many beautiful young women in tiny bikini's strolling the beach, lying in the sand and playing volleyball and having a lot of fun.
Gates looked at both scenes for awhile and then thought to himself, "Hell really does look pretty great." He told the Angel he chose to go to Hell, and he was immediately sent down.
Quite awhile later, the admitting Angel was making his customary rounds of Heaven and Hell, checking on the daily routines. He saw Bill Gates and went over to speak to him. Gates was chained to a wall. He was dirty and thin. His body was covered in festering sores and he was groaning in great pain. The Angel said, "You know, I could not understand why you chose Hell when you could have gone to Heaven. You, of course, are suffering the consequences of Hell."
Gates looked at the Angel with tormented eyes and said, "Where are the beautiful girls? Where is the white sand beach and the sparkling blue ocean? Where is all the fun?"
The Angel said, "Oh, that. Well, you were looking at the MicroHell Screen Saver..."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Three-Kick Rule
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Hilarious Job Seeker
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a
young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking
for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-week
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking
for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-week
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
***
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Effects of Swine Flu To Human Beings
This is the effect of Swine Flu to human beings. Funny isn't it?
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Sunday, May 17, 2009
The Real Reason Why?
For a couple of years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. (Funny!!!)
I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. (Funny!!!)
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